🚀 go-pugleaf

I felt I really had to put in my two cents worth about this thread
In the past I have condemned and tended to judge people who have
affairs.  And I guess someone who preys on other people for the
excitement and physical aspects I still do.  I could never understand
why.  However I will never again prejudge someone who has or is having
an affair.

I found myself in a situation that I never expected  to find myself in,
having an affair.  I wasn't looking for it, it just happened.  I work
with a band and pretty young women are always plentiful if that's what
you're after.  Not I, I have never had any problem turning them down.
I ended up meeting a very nice women and her husband through a friend
and his wife.  About a month later we had a chance to talk and really
get to know one another.  We hit it off immediately.  I'm talking soulmate
type feelings that are mutual.  We spent 6 months becoming best friends
and trying to walk away from each other because that was the right thing
to do.  We couldn't.  Eventually the affair became physical.  And of course
we eventually got caught.  All the b.s. about the sneaking around and secrecy
being exciting was not true in this case.  We hated it.  After getting caught
we are both in marriage counselling with our spouses, but we're starting to
learn that we have bonded the way married couples are suppose to bond.
Unfortunately we are both starting to feel that it's to late to achieve that
bonding with our present spouse.  There's the feeling that we'll always
have the expectation from our spouse that they have to meet up to that
closeness that we shared.

The biggest thing that I think is don't judge to harshly unless you've
been there.  I feel really bad that I hurt my wife, because I do care
about her.  But when you're old enough and wise enough to know finally
know what it is you want out of life and coincidence puts it in front of
you, it's hard to walk away.

Obviously there's much more to this story.  Just if you haven't been there
don't be so harsh.  Nobody's perfect and we all make mistakes.  Just have
the guts to own up  to them and deal with them.

Have a great one!

Rick
--
--
***************************************************************************
*  Rick Brown                       * "The reason some people get lost in *
*  reb@unity.ncsu.edu               *    thought is because it is such    *
*  alias:  Rick_Brown@ncsu.edu      *        unfamiliar territory!"       *
*  2620 Hillsborough St.            *                                     *
*  Campus Box 7109                  *       BY:  (puzzled look!)          *
*  Raleigh, N.C.  27695-7109        *                                     *                                   *                                     *

In article <331d5ea8.7390016@news.mindspring.com>,
dcaswell@mindspring.com (David Caswell) wrote:
[reb@unity.ncsu.edu (Rick Brown) wrote:
[
[>I felt I really had to put in my two cents worth about this thread
[>In the past I have condemned and tended to judge people who have
[>affairs.  And I guess someone who preys on other people for the
[>excitement and physical aspects I still do.  I could never understand
[>why.  However I will never again prejudge someone who has or is having
[>an affair.
[
[>I found myself in a situation that I never expected  to find myself in,
[>having an affair.  I wasn't looking for it, it just happened.  I work
[>with a band and pretty young women are always plentiful if that's what
[
[If this letter had been written by your wife it would have
[credibility. If you were writing about learning to have forgiven
[somebody who had done you wrong it would have credibility. If you were
[writing about your attempts to make yourself into a trustworthy person
[and you were expressing regret for your actions you would have
[credibility. Unfortunately it sounds like a rather worse than average
[rationalization for betrayal and dishonesty.

Hey, maybe this is Desertion Fouler's boyfriend!  ;)

In article <331d5ea8.7390016@news.mindspring.com>, dcaswell@mindspring.com (David Caswell) writes:
reb@unity.ncsu.edu (Rick Brown) wrote:


Sorry, I have no wish to be where you are.

--
David Caswell          Atlanta GA           dcaswell@mindpring.com
Real men help raise teenagers, not act like one.
"Alone in the presence of God with choices to make"
Mail me for info on removing your posts from dejanews archive.

Believe me, I have not wished to be where I am either.  This has been one
of the most confusing periods of my life.  I have read more books on
relationships, communication, and midlife than I can stand.  I've talked
to therapists, marriage counselors, etc.  After explaining all the
circumstances, steps taken to try and do the "right thing"(which can
vary depending on the individuals), feelings, etc. all most have done
is say yes you are going about this properly, to preaching their own
agenda.  Yes I do regret that I hurt my wife, I'm sorry that I let the
"affair" go way to far.  There is no rationalizing or justifying.  What I
did was wrong.  However, I can't apologize for feeling the way I do.  I
tried a therapist long before the relationship became physical, I basically
didn't get much advice.  Maybe I did, I just didn't want to hear it.

I've always been a romantic.  I like doing all the little things women
tend to like. Love notes for no reason, flowers just because, after so many
years without any reciprocation or appreciation, I guess I just quit trying.
Yes, we talked but things would be different for a week or two, then back
to the usual.

I have learned recently that we basically never bonded as a couple like
we should have, we never became best friends.  And unfortunately we got
married because lust was mistaken as love.  Sex may be an integral part of
a relationship, but a successful one has to be based on more than that.

We're going to counselling.  If it doesn't repair our relationship, hopefully
it will at least help us with any future ones.

Thanks for listening!  Say a  prayer to your god or goddess for us!
And I should probably thank you all for not flaming to hard.  Of course,
its only been a day. :-)

Rick
--
--
***************************************************************************
*  Rick Brown                       * "The reason some people get lost in *
*  reb@unity.ncsu.edu               *    thought is because it is such    *
*  alias:  Rick_Brown@ncsu.edu      *        unfamiliar territory!"       *
*  2620 Hillsborough St.            *                                     *
*  Campus Box 7109                  *       BY:  (puzzled look!)          *
*  Raleigh, N.C.  27695-7109        *                                     *                                   *                                     *