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Started by Arthur Spitzer
Sun, 11 May 2025 20:59
NTB: Classic NTB Adventures #372: Wrath of The Administrator Part Fourteen
Author: Arthur Spitzer
Date: Sun, 11 May 2025 20:59
Date: Sun, 11 May 2025 20:59
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And we're back in the past and can check the eyrie archive
once again.
Here's where you can find this and more NTB One Shots:
https://archives.eyrie.org/racc/ntb/One.Shots/
And it's the next part of The Wrath of The Administrator.
Part Twenty-Two is by a lot of NTB writers. (Maybe I
could find out who they all were... but no... not
going to do that!)
Is it time to use some colons?! Is it time for a
whole bunch of Trenchcoaters sit around in a bar
and get really drunk?!! And will this all help
with saving the world?!!!
Find out in...
C L A S S I C
N E T T R E N C H C O A T B R I G A D E
A D V E N T U R E S #372
=====================
W R A T H O F T H E A D M I N I S T R A T O R
Part Fourteen
=====================
P A R T T W E N T Y - T W O
-----------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Bucket on St. Patrick`s day. Lady Johanna Constantine enters.
LJC: Cider. Woodpecker`s.
BARMAN: Right.
LJC: Have you seen anybody come in? Anybody... well... weird?
BARMAN: Nah. No more than usual. It`ll get rowdy later on, though, what with
St. Pat`s and everything. We`ve got some kegs of Guinness from
Ireland
coming in later. [serves drink]
LJC: Thanks. [she turns around. John Constantine is behind her]
JC: Cigarette?
LJC: You? I didn`t ask *you* to come!
JC: You should`ve known I`d turn up. Bad penny an` all that. You want this
cigarette?
LJC: ...Sure. Let`s get a table. [they do so]
JC: So what`s up?
LJC: Someone`s after Trenchcoats.
JC: Really? What`s new about that? Offended any deities recently?
LJC: That`s *your* job. But no, this one`s different. Everyone getting hit
at
the same time. Coordinated attacks. There`s someone behind this,
someone who thinks we`re a threat.
JC: So how do you know about all this?
LJC: Okay. My account went AWOL a few days ago. I still can`t find out why.
I`ve heard all sorts of things- dead trenchcoaters, other people
losing
access, physical attacks- it all adds up. Plus some bastard`s trying
to slander me with snowballs.
JC: So you`re getting the NTB together? *Not* a good move.
LJC: Not all of them. Just some. The ones I can trust.
JC: Oh, thanks. Look, love, the NTB doesn`t work like that. Getting that
lot to
work together is like getting the trains to run on time. Can`t be
bloody done.
LJC: Look, if you don`t like it-
PROF. ESOTERIC: This a private argument? Or can anyone butt in?
LJC: No! Fine! Go ahead! Trust you to turn up at an opportune moment...
PROF. ESOTERIC: Always. So what`s up?
JC: Trouble. As usual.
PROF. ESOTERIC: Sounds fun. Listen, there`s a guy at the bar I found falling
out of bathrooms. Reckons he wants to be a Trenchcoater. Bit wet
round
the ears, but I think he`s not as stupid as he looks.
LJC: Okay. Go and get him. [Prof. Esoteric goes, and returns with the
Jellomancer]
JELLOMANCER: Uh... hi...
LJC: The Professor tells us you want to join the NTB.
JELLOMANCER: Well, yes.
LJC: Okay, raise your right hand and say `I am a suicidal maniac` three
times.
JELLOMANCER: I am a suicidal maniac... I am... look, is this strictly
necessary?
LJC: Well done. You`ve passed your first test.
JELLOMANCER: Uh, right...
JC: Okay, who are you, what can you do, and what`ve you got?
JELLOMANCER: Uh, well, I call myself... the Jellomancer!
LJC: Please. It`s too early in the day for melodrama.
JELLOMANCER: Sorry. Anyway, I use Jello to divine secrets and stuff. That`s
how I found out what`s going on.
PROF. ESOTERIC: That`s ridiculous.
JC: I`ve heard worse.
LJC: Yeah. Deft, for starters. Go on. What do you know?
JELLOMANCER: Well, there`s this guy...
*******************************************************************************
Elric sighed. That flight from Oakland to Chicago had really put a
dent into his savings. Ah, well. Who needs money when you've got a
trenchcoat. Whistling softly to himself, Elric went off to find his luggage.
Big mistake. Local airports are bad enough, but unfamiliar
airports make L-space and Destiny's garden look like... look like... well,
someplace where getting lost is impossible.
After several hours of fruitless searching, Elric began to
seriously consider introducing a submachinegun to all the nice people at
the nearby mini-mall. Just as he was about to run amok, however, he
spotted a familiar trenchcoat.
"Yo! Grimslut!"
"Sloth. 'Lo, Elric. Thought you quit the NTB."
"I did. But every time I try to get out, they keep pulling me back
IN!"
"Easy. I'm in no mood for melodrama. I've had a bad day."
"Oh come on. It couldn't have been that bad. I mean, it's not like
you
came by bus or anything, is it? . . . Why are you looking at me like that?"
"Just get your luggage so we can get out of here."
"I'd like to, but I don't know where it is. Where's yours?"
"Gone."
"Oh. What happened to you, anyway? You look terrible." And he did.
He
was cut, and bruised, and -- was that ink? Even his coat was ripped and
torn.
"Had some troubles waiting for my bus in Harrisburg. Loan officers."
"Oh. What were loan officers doing in a bus terminal?"
"I'd rather not talk about it."
"Okay, Grim. Hey, if you took a bus, what are you doing at the
airport?"
"I'd rather not talk about it."
"How's about your luggage? No, wait. Let me guess. You'd rather not
talk about it, right?"
"Glad to see you haven't gotten any stupider."
"What was that?"
"Never mind. Let's beat it."
Before they could continue their witty repartee, the two frien-
uh, colleagues were interrupted by a scream.
"What was that?"
"A scream of terror. Huh, maybe you _did_ get stupider."
"What?"
"I said, it came from over there. Let's go."
"Why do we always run TOWARDS screams of terror? Shouldn't we be
running AWAY?"
"See this? It's a trenchcoat," said GrimSloth as he dragged
Elric towards the source of the disturbance. "It comes with the territory."
"Oh, look," said Elric. "A body."
"Well, don't just stand there. Check it out."
Elric bent down, then stood with a grim expression on his face.
"He's dead, Grim."
"Oooooh," said the body.
"Nice call, Elric."
"Damnit, Grim, I'm a 'coater, not a doctor!"
The two mysterious individuals helped the body, to its feet.
"Are you Mister Elric and Mister GrimSlut?"
"Sloth. Yeah, that's us."
"Well, then this is for you." The messenger handed Elric a
letter, then dissappeared.
"Wow. I've never seen anyone spontaneously combust before. It
must be from Constantine." Elric opened the letter.
"What's it say?"
"There's the name of a bar. Then it says, `Show this to GrimSlut.'"
"GrimSloth. Lemmee see that." Grimsloth peeked over Elric's
shoulder, then wiped the water from his face. "Forgot to duck. Hey, you
read it
first. Why didn't you get the snowball?"
"No idea. So, you know where this bar is located?"
"Nope. How much money you got?"
"How much have _you_ got?"
"I asked you first."
"I'm a college student."
"Oh yeah. So much for cab fair. Tell you what. Let's
split up, and when one of us finds the bar, he'll wait for the other one to
show up."
"But how will we find each other?" Elric asked the man-shaped
space of empty air. "Damn. Rejoined the NTB for one day, and a member has
already ditched me. This is just wonderful." Elric walked out of the
airport, determined to wander aimlessly until he found the bar. And if he
was forced to enter other bars just to make sure it wasn't the right bar
under an assumed name, then that was a sacrifice he was willing to make.
*******************************************************************************
The doors of the bar swung open. All occupants turned to see who was
entering in such a dramatic fashion. A man, beaten and bruised, staggered
in.
"Mornin, luv," he said, stumbling up to LJC. "Hope I haven't come at a
bad time." A wrenching cough wracked his body. Blood formed on his lips.
Dendrite stepped forward. "who's he?"
"Oh, Kit?" LJC looked unshaken by the man's condition.
"Just ...thought you...might want...to know...The Netromancer..."
Slowly,
Kit's inert body fell to the ground.
The room fell silent. No one was sure what to say . Finally, the
bartender cleared his throat. "Is that guy okay? Do you want me to call an
ambulance?"
"No, that's okay," said LJC." He's just dead. Happens all the time.
He'll get over it soon."
*******************************************************************************
Dr 13 was in the back of a small second hand bookshop in Nottingham
wandering round the aisles in search of a suitable nexus point for entry to
L-space. All of a sudden the books seemed to change; the titles were no
longer written in English.
"I've done it" thought 13. "All I now need to do is find the cross over to
O-space, the space created by storage of information on hard drives and in
filing cabinets rather than on bookshelves. Anywhere that stores infomation
is privy to distortions in reality.
"I just hope the others in Chicago get my message and decide to join me.
Of course, if it's impossible to find the felching office, I will try to
find
the Chicago library and join them."
13 was now in a large maze, small niches led into other libraries in other
worlds. He just hoped he could find where he was going, for he sure as hell
would have trouble getting back.
*******************************************************************************
DEFT: I`ll have a beer.
BARMAN: Sure.
DEFT: And... can you turn the TV on?
BARMAN: Okay. You want the news channel?
DEFT: No. Wrestling.
BARMAN: Wrestling? I would`ve thought all you trenchcoat types`d be above
all
that dreck.
DEFT: It`s not dreck! It`s the only truth!
BARMAN: Uh... fine...
*******************************************************************************
Ah, Chicago, that toddlin' town, hog-butcher to the world. Chicago
is real--hard, earthy, human. The perfect site for a meeting between
people who live their lives on the edge of fantasy. Lady J has clearly
gone mad.
Mr. Elmo's musings were interrupted by the harsh cawing of a raven
flying overhead. Or was it a magpie? He never could keep the Corvidae
straight. Half the family are just transmogrified humans, anyway.
This particular one was undeniably purely avian, though; it had
chosen to attract his attention, from its perch on the lamppost, by
cawing, rather than by aerial bombardment. It stared at him along its long
yellow beak, then turned sideways to gaze at the nearby alley. Mr. Elmo
followed its line of sight. There, lying at the edge of the shadows, was
a comic book.
He approached and picked up the comic: All-Flash #13, 1946.
This should never have been let out of the Mylar, he thought. Further
down the alley, his eyes caught a glimpse of another comic, peaking out
from beneath a bent cardboard box. Only a corner of the title was visible:
"All-S."
He walked deeper into the alley. Behind him, the mists rose and
blocked the light from the lamppost, where the crow stood, twisting its
head in an inquisitive manner. It cawed once, only to break the silence,
and flew into the mist.
Chicago would have to wait.
*******************************************************************************
I hadn't wanted to ditch Elric like that, but I had
something to do before the meeting, something pretty important.
No need for both of us to be late. And besides, I didn't want
that runecoat of his mucking with my head.
I walked round the corner into an alleyway, a shortcut to
the bus station. Hopefully, I'd find Janice, my IDC-326 pocket
secretary there. I'd lost her in Harrisburg.
What happened there? I knew. I knew exactly what happened
there. But I didn't want to think about it. It brought back too
many bad memories of . . . similar situations. That was the real
reason I didn't want Elric tagging along, I suppose; I didn't want
him asking about Harrisburg.
Janice, though. I had to find Janice. Yeah, I know she's
just an it, just a machine, but she'd been one of the few constants
in my life the past few years. I guess I'd grown a bit fond of her;
she had a good head on her shoulders. Even if she didn't have any
shoulders. And she'd been right: that briefcase was important
somehow.
A quiet rustling interrupted my thoughts. I spun around to
face two men in lint-covered suits. Loan officers. Blocking the
entrance to the alleyway. One of them held the briefcase.
"Mr. Slut," asked a voice from behind me.
"Slo--."
"Yes, yes. We know. Your name is printed out quite legibly
on these loan papers. Quite legibly."
Two more loan officers had appeared at the other end of the
alleyway. I was trapped.
"Everything's all filled out," he said. "We just need you
to sign at the bottom." A drop of ink fell from his pen and splatterd
on the ground.
"Tell us, Mr. Sloth. We're curious. What happened in Harrisburg?"
"Patience," said the man beside him. "First, we will offer
him a very reasonable loan."
"And then maybe he'll tell us what happened,"
said the third loan officer.
"And then," said the fourth, "and then, everything will be . . .
good and fine."
They walked towards me slowly, deliberately. No hurry. I
had nowhere to run to. One of the loan officers held out some
suspicious-looking forms, and a black pen.
Oh Christ, I thought, not again.
*******************************************************************************
The usual travel arrangements were out, partly because I was far
too
knackered for any of that rubbish, and partly because I had to bring along
Bacchus, who was still half-dead from the night before. If there`s one thing
I find funny, it`s that the god of wine still has hangovers. So anyway, to
cut a horribly long story involving a beastly bus service short, I made my
way to the Cafe Perilous to hitch a ride. The Cafe Perilous isn`t one of
those
prententious coffee-swilling sort of French artist-magnets, it`s a solid,
down-to-earth, English food-selling shop, the kind you`ll find in any town
near all the lower-class terraced housing. The sort of place where the
working
classes go to eat as many carcinogens as they can afford. The sort of place
where they pronounce "cafe" as "caff". I had a copy of the menu that I
carried around in case I ever had to visit the place, and when I`d got as
far
as Earlsdon on the bus, I got out and searched for a likely spot. It wasn`t
long before I was in the sort of pit the Cafe Perilous could be called to
manifest in; I nailed the menu to the door of an abandoned house with a
ten year old "for sale" sign, and sat down to wait. It didn`t take long.
Before ten minutes were over, the door had changed into a glass fronted sort
of thing with a tacky "OPEN" sign hanging in it. I went in, dragging the
ancient deity of pissheads with me.
Inside, I put Bacchus at one of the tables, and let him collapse
onto
the fossilised baked beans. I went up to the counter, being careful not to
annoy the fruit machine, and asked for a couple of teas and a packet of
paracetomol. After the woman behind the counter had finished arguing with
the
boiler, it coughed up the hot water for the tea. The milkpak men were on
strike, so we had to have powdered milk. The smell of frying chips hung,
greasily, in the air, and as I glanced to the plate glass windows at the
front
of the shop, I noticed the Coventry street change into a dozen different
cities
one by one. This sort of thing does your head in after a while. I went back
to
the table.
"Drink this, eat this, and the world`ll look a lot better."
"Ohhhhhhh...." he groaned. "You. I suppose..." He paused to down the
tea and paracetomol in one. "I suppose this means some sort of strangeness?"
"That`s right, grandad. Some arsewipe`s knocking over trenchcoats.
LJC`s calling a meeting in Chicago, and that`s where we`re going, for
want of a better holiday this year."
"Ah, Lady Johanna... at least she has some sort of charm. Unlike
you.
And unlike this place. What is it about the English that makes them want to
torture themselves so much? Been the same for centuries, every time I come
here, the silly bastards are inventing new ways to guilt themselves to
death.
I suppose it`s something to do with psychology, but it seems more like total
bloody-minded self-pity to me..."
"Right. Anyway, we`re here."
"Chicago?"
"Just round the corner from the bar, if the Cafe is doing it`s usual
tricks."
*******************************************************************************
John stared back at Ramaj Singh "Deft? Isn't he the WWF fan? I HATE WWF
..."
John glared silently, reached into his trenchcoat and proferred a newspaper
and "The Anarchists Cookbook". Do you want them?"
*******************************************************************************
NET.THING: Well? What`s happening? It`s chaos in the net- everything`s going
down at once!
LJC: Look, have a drink, don`t worry about it...
NET.THING: I have to worry! It`s my job- no, my life- to protect the net!
LJC: Weevil!
JELLOMANCER: Yeah?
LJC: Explain the situation to this, er, thing, would you?
JELLOMANCER: Sure. There`s this guy...
*******************************************************************************
13 moved slowly along the corridor. He thought he had heard someone moving
ahead. He hoped this was nothing to do with the Netromancer. It might be a
lost student, he had passed the bones of many of these poor wretches who had
got lost in L-Space and had died a horrible death or a bookworm, harmless
creatures who fed on the books.
It was a man, well, kind of a man anyway. He was wearing glasses and had
pointed ears.
"Hello" said 13.
"Hello. You're one of those trenchcoaters, aren't you?" said the man.
"Yes. Who are you?"
"Lucien. I work for the dreamlord in the library of dreams."
"Great" said 13, "Could I borrow a copy of Big Numbers 3 from you sometime?"
"Sure" said the man, "but it will have to be later. I have got to get
going."
"See you" said 13 and carried on walking.
Several hours (or was it days?) later, 13 was glad he had packed a few
kebabs
with him. He was just finishing his meal with a banana when a large orange
sack like thing flew above him and snatched the banana from his hand.
He turned round to face a pair of intelligent looking eyes.
"Ook?" said the creature.
"Hello" said 13.
The creature then thrust a piece of paper into 13's face.
"Unseen University Library Fine. You the Netromancer have not returned your
copy of "Complete office time, space and parallel universe management", and
must surrender this immediately."
"It appears we are going in the same direction." said 13. "Do you know the
way?"
"Ook"
"In that case, I will follow you if you don't mind." said 13.
The librarian led the way, closely followed by 13.
*******************************************************************************
John hailed the bartender.
"Don't you think you've had enough sir?"
"I can still see you" stated John.
The bartender thought about it, sighed and poured another Gargleblaster.
Two stools away, a thin, blond-haired man glared daggers at John.
The bartender leaned towards the blond, "Woody! What's up?"
Woody continued to glare at John, sighed and said "The guy shows up, makes
some bets and wins $2000 ... scum"
The bartender and Woody looked, as one, at empty space. "At least he paid
for
the first 10 Gargleblasters in advance."
*******************************************************************************
SHADE: ...Y`know, I`m not really sure what I`m doing here...
E. K. MOUSE: Perhaps you are unaware of our mission. The very fabric of the
universe is threatened!
RAMAJ: What, again?
SHADE: That`s what I mean... Why do you need me? I`ve got enough trouble
trying
to keep hold of an account as it is...
E. K. MOUSE: You coward. You would run whilst others save the universe for
you!
SHADE: Oh, come on... an administrator? This whole thing is ridiculous!
JC: You obviously haven`t seen my latest Poll Tax bill.
RAMAJ: Why, are you planning on paying it?
JC: `Course not. But you know what I mean.
RAMAJ: It`s true. These people have immense power.
E.K. MOUSE: But they shall not stand against our combined might!
SHADE: Yeah, right...
RAMAJ: These are mean bastards. We have to stop them. Or I`ll never eat well
again...
SHADE: Pardon?
RAMAJ: Uh, nothing.
JC: `scuse me. [rushes out of the bar]
SHADE: What`s up with him?
*******************************************************************************
Just before the bar door closed, a large owl swooped in. He glided over the
heads of the gathered Trenchcoaters and settled down on the bar next to LJC.
Then, to the surprise of most, he hooted in the direction of the bartender
and
said, "Give me one of what she's having." The bartender glared at the owl
and
said, "We don't serve birds in here," and began to try to grab the owl, but
Constantine interrupted him and said, "Yo-Yo's with me." The bartender still
looked suspicious, but drew another Woodpecker cider and put it down in
front
of the bird.
"Thank yooou, my Lady," hooted Yo-Yo, clutching the handle of the mug in
one claw and sipping the cider in a rather impressive demonstration of
strigiform dexterity.
Constantine took a long draw on her cigarette and puffed smoke in the owl's
face. He let out a long whooping cough. "I don't know why I bother, after
that comment you passed on from the Star Trek group," Constantine said,
with a slight smile. "You're lucky I've got a soft spot for birds of prey."
The owl merely ruffled his feathers and took another sip of his cider,
Still facing forward at the bar, Yo-Yo rotated his head back towards the
rest of the assembled shadowy figures. "I'm sorry tooo arrive so late," he
said in his hooting voice, "but the Netromancer's spells first took effect
in daytime, in the peak hours, when any sensible being should be asleep
anyway. I only recently realized what was happening. I wouldn't have known
what was going on at all if her Ladyship here had not kept me informed."
Constantine gave the owl a look that was something between a grimace and a
sneer. The bird ignored it, and continued, "So what are we going tooo
dooo?"
*******************************************************************************
The smelly man moaned "Hold Me!" and stretched out his arms. John gave him
a hug and asked "Say! You wanna come to a party? You are wearing a
trenchcoat
aren't you?" The smelly man jerked back, eyes John thoughtfully and
proclaimed
"You're on Mac and yeah ... this IS a trenchcoat."
*******************************************************************************
BARMAN: What`ll it be?
DOUBT: I am not sure...
BARMAN: Well, uh, what *sort* of drink do you want? [Doubt looks at him
blankly] Uh, you know, beer, whisky...
DOUBT: I think perhaps beer...
BARMAN: Okay, one beer coming up...
DOUBT: ...or maybe whisky.
BARMAN: Look, make up your mind, willya?
DOUBT: I... I cannot...
BARMAN: Jeez, what sorta loon are ya, anyhow?
DOUBT: I am Doubt of the Endless... I think...
BARMAN: Figures. You with those Trenchcoat weirdoes?
DOUBT: Perhaps. Yes, perhaps I am... I`m sorry, I`m having a bad day... I...
fade... occasionally...
BACCHUS: Barman! I`ll have another glass of Chateau D`Escritte. [notices
Doubt]
Hey! Haven`t seen you for a while! How`s the family?
DOUBT: I think they are well. I remember you... was it... Greece?
BACCHUS: Close. Rome, just after they closed my lodges. Remember those
times?
They really knew how to worship you then. Not like these
half-hearted
idiots today...
BARMAN: One glass of wine... okay, that`s $1.47.
BACCHUS: Put it on my account.
BARMAN: I don`t think we...
BACCHUS. The name`s Bacchus.
BARMAN: Bacchus? Are you serious? Is he serious?
DOUBT: I think so.
BARMAN: Wow... [Hob Gadling comes over, with the bulk of the NTB`s round to
order]
HOB GADLING: Okay, we`ll have fifteen pints of beer, four whiskeys, eleven
Bloody Mary`s, half a dozen... uh, excuse me, but... I think I know
you...
DOUBT: I doubt it. [He looks fixedly at Hob, whose eyes widen as certain
information in his mind becomes vague... uncertain...] Perhaps you
refer to my brother...
HOB GADLING: Oh...
DOUBT: Or perhaps my sister...
HOB GADLING: Er. Well. If you see him or her, give him my regards. Where was
I... Half a dozen brandies, seven tequilas, ten gin and tonics...
[Some Irish Guy comes to the bar]
SOME IRISH GUY: Has the Guinness turned up yet?
BARMAN: Nah. Bit late, if you ask me.
SOME IRISH GUY: Hmm.
*******************************************************************************
Suddenly the doors opened, and John Constantine appeared, coughing more
horribly than usual.
"What's wrong?" asked one of the 'coaters, who obviously hadn't yet learned
not to get involved.
"Lung Cancer."
Within fifteen seconds, he was surrounded by Trenchcoats of all hues.
"Can I borrow $10.00 ?"
"I have first dibs on his Wierdness Magnet!"
"So, uh, your girlfriend's going to be lonely soon?"
*******************************************************************************
REDLAW: Well, this is a fine pickle, and no mistake.
YO-YO: Whoo.
REDLAW: That`s true, very true. All this fuss and bother over some human in
an
office. I ask you...
YO-YO: Whoo!
REDLAW: Really! Well, *that`s* not very nice. That`s downright unfriendly,
no
doubt about it.
YO-YO: Whoo.
REDLAW: Still, it`s not all too bad, eh? Still got to soldier on, despite
all
the troubles of this little old world. Where did the milk go, I
wonder?
*******************************************************************************
Something Happens! #2
"Been There, Seen That, Drunk That."
It was fairly cold outside, but I didn't really feel it. The Bucket faded
behind me, and I started to wonder what I was doing. The missing Guinness
was
a problem, of course, and I *was* glad to leave the pub (Two hundred people
all wearing trenchcoats in one place generally start smelling bad after 10
minutes). All the same, I realized I had no real reason to be there in the
first place, and something bad usually happens around that lot. Still, best
to
soldier on. There's always getting drunk.
After about a mile, I saw the delivery truck, pulled over to the side. As I
approached, I could feel the Irishness decreasing gradually. Seeing that
there was no-one in the cab, I left the road and circled around to behind
the truck. There, rolling barrels off the back, was one of the ugliest
demons
I'd ever seen. As I approached, I noticed that each of the barrels was
completely non-Irish. Hiding behind one, I picked up a rock, smashed a hole
in the side, near the top and dipped my head to the stream that flowed. I
was instantly nauseated. It had all been converted to Creme De Menthe!
Right.
This demon's picked the wrong liquid, the wrong 'coater and the wrong day
for
a stunt like this. The noise of rolling had stopped, so I put on my best
stagger, stood up (pulling the barrel over as I rose) and greeted the
little fucker.
"Hi! Sorry about the barrel, I just tripped over it."
"Prepare to die, fool! No-one may look upon the Liquidator and live!"
Oh Christ, another of these power freaks.
"No trouble, mate, I was just wondering if you were in charge of all this
drink."
"What is it to you, puny mortal?"
"Well, I was wondering if you needed a hand, in return for a little drop."
"Very well. Come up here and roll the barrels down to me."
That was too easy by half. I had a feeling that the Liquidator's plans had
just changed to incorporate a lunch break. After half an hour, I suggested
a little "payment in advance". The Liquidator agreed, probably wondering if
stomach tasted better if it was filled with alcohol. I suggested some
Guinness, since I knew he didn't mind which way it disappeared, as long as
it
didn't reach the Bucket. We both sat down, he produced some horrible looking
pint glasses from "somewhere" and we got through a barrel together. I
started
slurring my speech and not finishing sentences, to conceal the fact that my
power was growing. As he finished off the last pint, I straightened up, and
walked over to the cab, and started to climb in. He jumped up, ran a few
steps
towards me, and collapsed holding his stomach.
"Where are you going with my truck?"
"Back to the Bucket, to dispense the Guinness."
"Curse you, Trenchcoater! What have you done to me?"
"Well, that last pint wasn't Guinness."
"What...?"
"Bailey's and Raspberry. Have a nice day."
Having no wish to see his last meal, I drove off quickly, wondering why all
this Guinness didn't make me much happier.
*******************************************************************************
After a while 13 and the Librarian noticed a change in the scenery.
Instead of being surrounded by bookshelves, they began to be surrounded by
derelict looking filing cabinets, horrible silk flower arrangements and
large rubber plants.
"I've made it!" thought 13. "From here it should be quite simple to find the
wretched office. I just hope the others are waiting for me, for without them
I won't have nearly enough occult power to destroy the Netromancer, never
mind the office."
Suddenly the librarian paused outside a door. On it was written
"Rupert Lionel Horatio Flomsonby-Bloom Junior - Netromancer."
"A Flomsonby-Bloom. I might have bloody known," said 13.
He opened the door.
*******************************************************************************
[Kid Anarky emerges, looking somewhat shaken, from the toilets]
RAMAJ: Oh my god...
PROF. ESOTERIC: PINK?!?!?!
[LJC starts laughing uncontrollably]
DARKROSE: *Very* fetching.
KID ANARKY: I need a drink... please, someone get me a drink...
[Bacchus does so. Kid Anarky sits on a stool to try and work out where he
is]
KID ANARKY; Oh god. Not the NTB. Anything but the NTB...
[most of the NTB has gone back to their discussions. Withnail, drunk beyond
belief, staggers over to Kid Anarky]
WITHNAIL: You`re one of those LNH ponces, aren`t you?
KID ANARKY: Uh, yeah. Look, I think you`re a bit drunk...
WITHNAIL: Too bloody right! The shit`s spraying out of the fan and getting
rat-arsed is the only sensible thing a man in my position can do!
KID ANARKY: Don`t you think that`s a bit... irresponsible?
WITHNAIL: Don`t you call me irresponsible, you... you... *superhero*....
KID ANARKY: Christ, you stink of whiskey...
WITHNAIL: Nonsense! I`m totally and utterly sober! [drinks and collapses]
KID ANARKY [headbutts the bar three times in despair]: Why? Why? Why?
STUBBY JIM: It can`t be *that* bad?
KID ANARKY: I`m a superhero! I didn`t want to do this!
STUBBY JIM: You *are* wearing a trenchcoat... a bit of a strange one, but...
KID ANARKY: So? Just because I wear a trenchcoat... and this isn`t *my*
trenchcoat... doesn`t make me a member of the NTB!
DEFT: If it`s any help, Mauler and Crusher have defeated the Death Squad,
and now have a good chance of recovering at least one item of the
wrestling regalia that they lost to the Astral Twins last month.
[everyone looks at him blankly]
DEFT: Or, to put it another way, Kid Anarky is actually a Trenchcoater, but
often tries to hide the fact because of his connections to the
Legion
of Net.Heroes.
[Kid Anarky looks at him in a rather annoyed manner]
DEFT: Just trying to help...
*******************************************************************************
13 stepped into the Universal Office. A pathetic sallow balding man was
hunched over a terminal.
"The office has nearly finished feeding on him. Soon he will be nothing but
a husk." thought 13.
"Good afternoon Rupert" said 13. "I believe we have some unfinished business
to discuss, such as your pathetic plans for world domination."
"Ook" said the librarian.
*******************************************************************************
[GrimSloth & Elric collide with each other in a Chicago street]
GRIMSLOTH: Did you find anything?
ELRIC: Nada.
GRIMSLOTH: I guess we`re lost then. Better start again...
DVANDOM: No! Your search is at an end!
ELRIC: Who`s he?
GRIMSLOTH: What, the one with the purple trenchcoat, haunted expression, air
of mystery, and incredibly worn-down heels?
ELRIC: Yeah, him.
GRIMSLOTH: No idea.
DVANDOM: I have no name that I will tell you, but I am known as a friend
and
ally to many of your associates... for the time being, however, I
must
remain... a stranger!
ELRIC: Oh, him.
GRIMSLOTH: Christ. It bloody well would have to be.
DVANDOM: The place you seek is not far. Follow me, mortals... [they go in]
ELRIC: So, have we missed anything?
DVANDOM: Only the excessive consumption of fermented vegetable matter.
GRIMSLOTH: Oh, god, NO!
LJC: Hi, GrimSlut.
GRIMSLOTH: That`s GrimSLOTH. Get it right for once.
LJC: Oh, sorry. What are you doing here?
GRIMSLOTH: You should know. You sent the snowballs.
LJC: Snowballs? Damn! So that`s what it was all about!
ELRIC: Hey, I got one, too...
DARKROSE: Hang on... if you didn`t send these snowballs...
LJC: I didn`t! I`m trying to forget all that snowball business!
DARKROSE: ...then who did?
[a deathly silence falls over the bar]
SOME IRISH GUY: There`s been trouble.
VARIOUS: What?
SOME IRISH GUY: The Guinness.
KIT: What about the Guinness?
SOME IRISH GUY: The Netromancer tried to get at it. I saved it, though. It`s
outside.
ELRIC: Er... I didn`t see it...
[Some Irish Guy rushes out, and then back in]
SOME IRISH GUY: AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!! It`s gone!
SHADE: Oh. Wow. Disaster.
RAMAJ: No- if he can stop the Guinness delivery- what else can he do?
[another deathly silence]
*******************************************************************************
"What?!?" exclaimed the Netromancer. "I thought you were in Chicago with the
rest of your miserable cohorts. How did you get here?"
"I came through L space." said 13. "I believe my friend here has a message
for you."
"Ook" said the librarian handing over the piece of paper.
"What? A library fine? I am the master of bureaucracy! How dare you try to
catch me in my own webs!"
"Don't be a cretin." said 13. "You are a tool of the office. It has been
feeding on you for years! Have you looked at yourself lately? You are not
looking well."
13 produced a mirror from his pocket and reflected the Netromancers face in
its depths.
"That can't be me, honest." said the Netromancer.
"Anyway, I suppose you are wondering why everyone is in Chicago."
"No I'm not, I recieved a note and virtual snowball from LJC inviting me to
meet up there."
"Ha, that was my masterstroke, the message was really from me pretending
to be her. I closed off her account for this purpose."
"But why get everyone to a bar in Chicago?" said 13.
"Well, I gave Burak Racey a briefcase which was a pocket bureauracy, I meant
to trap the odd trenchcoater in its depths. The fool lost it, but it was
taken
by one of your number, GrimSloth. Sometimes things work out for the best
after
all. I now intend to detonate it, trapping the NTB in its depths."
"No you bloody well don't" said 13, grabbing the Netromancer round the neck.
Unfortunately he was unable to stop him pressing a large red button on the
desk.
"Oh bugger!" said 13.
In the meantime the librarian had got the copy of his book and a large reel
of red tape from a shelf. He then proceded to wrap this round the
Netromancer.
"Ha, caught up in your own red tape." said 13. "Now please reverse the
pocket
bureauracy."
Something flashed up a computer screen.
"Greetings 13, this is the office speaking. The bureauracy cannot be
reversed.
I have won. The NTB is no more."
"We will see about that." said 13. "I am removing your host, that will limit
your powers matey. I am going to find Xeroxes to destroy you."
"Never" said the office. "He has gone into retirement. You will never find
him."
"I will. Xeroxes created you and he will destroy you. Just be thankful the
rest of the NTB never made it, with our combined occult power we would have
creamed you. This is just a no score draw."
13 then led the now powerless Netromancer out of the door which promptly
disappeared. The office had gone to hide.
The librarian led the way back to earth.
*******************************************************************************
JELLOMANCER: Why is no one saying anything?
LJC: SH! *This* is the time for melodrama!
[Suddenly, the case leaps out of GrimSloth`s hands]
GRIMSLOTH: AG! What the hell is this?
[It opens with speed]
PROF. ESOTERIC: This could be a good time to run away.
[A light begins to glow from within it]
WITHNAIL: Oh god... I`m too young to die...
ELRIC: Bloody felching he-
[After a burst of intense light, there is no more]
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
by tong@soda.berkeley.edu
castle@ug.cs.dal.ca
morrow@physics.rice.edu
fyfesh@lafcol.lafayette.edu AKA FYFES@lafvax.lafayette.edu
ctatro@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu
sirowe@pop.cis.yale.edu
afarrell@maths.tcd.ie
pcxsws@unicorn.nott.ac.uk
enubf@csv.warwick.ac.uk
--
And these are the words of a supposedly literate student of
English Literature at the University of Warwick...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paul Hardy/enubf@csv.warwick.ac.uk/Willoughby Withnail or Bacchus of the
N.T.B.
==========
Next Week: More NTB Fun with Wrath of The Administrator Part Fifteen!!
==========
Arthur "Same Classic Channel. But Same Time? Probably not." Spitzer
--000000000000f5b2ea0634e27aca
Content-Type: text/html; charset="UTF-8"
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<div dir=3D"ltr"><br>And we're back in the past and can check the eyrie=
archive <br>once again.<br><br><br>Here's where you can find this and =
more NTB One Shots:<br><br><a href=3D"https://archives.eyrie.org/racc/ntb/O=
ne.Shots/">https://archives.eyrie.org/racc/ntb/One.Shots/</a><br><br><br>An=
d it's the next part of The Wrath of The Administrator.<br><br>Part Twe=
nty-Two is by a lot of NTB writers. =C2=A0(Maybe I<br>could find out who th=
ey all were... but no... not<br>going to do that!)<br><br><br>Is it time to=
use some colons?!=C2=A0 Is it time for a<br>whole bunch of Trenchcoaters s=
it around in a bar<br>and get really drunk?!!=C2=A0 And will this all help<=
br>with saving the world?!!!<br><br><br>Find out in...<br><br><br><br><br><=
br><br><br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =
=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0C L A S S I C<br><br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0=
=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 N E T =C2=A0T R E N C H C=
O A T =C2=A0B R I G A D E<br><br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0=
=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 A D =
V E N T U R E S =C2=A0#372<br><br><br><br><br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =
=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0=3D=3D=3D=3D=
=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0=
=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 W R A T H =C2=A0O F =C2=A0T H E =C2=A0A D M I N I S T=
R A T O R<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=
=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0Part Fourteen<br>=C2=A0=
=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=
=A0 =C2=A0=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D<b=
r><br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 <br><br><br><br><br> =C2=A0 =C2=A0P =C2=A0A =C2=A0R =
=C2=A0T =C2=A0 =C2=A0T =C2=A0W =C2=A0E =C2=A0N =C2=A0T Y =C2=A0- =C2=A0T =
=C2=A0W =C2=A0O<br> =C2=A0 =C2=A0----------------------------------------=
-<br><br><br>--------------------------------------------------------------=
-----------------<br><br>The Bucket on St. Patrick`s day. Lady Johanna Cons=
tantine enters.<br><br>LJC: Cider. Woodpecker`s.<br>BARMAN: Right.<br>LJC: =
Have you seen anybody come in? Anybody... well... weird?<br>BARMAN: Nah. No=
more than usual. It`ll get rowdy later on, though, what with<br>=C2=A0 =C2=
=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 St. Pat`s and everything. We`ve got some kegs of Guinness=
from Ireland<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 coming in later. [serves drink=
]<br>LJC: Thanks. [she turns around. John Constantine is behind her]<br>JC:=
Cigarette?<br>LJC: You? I didn`t ask *you* to come!<br>JC: You should`ve k=
nown I`d turn up. Bad penny an` all that. You want this <br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =
=C2=A0 =C2=A0 cigarette?<br>LJC: ...Sure. Let`s get a table. [they do so]<b=
r>JC: So what`s up?<br>LJC: Someone`s after Trenchcoats.<br>JC: Really? Wha=
t`s new about that? Offended any deities recently?<br>LJC: That`s *your* jo=
b. But no, this one`s different. Everyone getting hit at <br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =
=C2=A0 =C2=A0 the same time. Coordinated attacks. There`s someone behind th=
is, <br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 someone who thinks we`re a threat.<br>J=
C: So how do you know about all this?<br>LJC: Okay. My account went AWOL a =
few days ago. I still can`t find out why. <br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 I=
`ve heard all sorts of things- dead trenchcoaters, other people losing<br>=
=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 access, physical attacks- it all adds up. Plus =
some bastard`s trying<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 to slander me with sno=
wballs.<br>JC: So you`re getting the NTB together? *Not* a good move.<br>LJ=
C: Not all of them. Just some. The ones I can trust.<br>JC: Oh, thanks. Loo=
k, love, the NTB doesn`t work like that. Getting that lot to<br>=C2=A0 =C2=
=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 work together is like getting the trains to run on time. =
Can`t be<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 bloody done.<br>LJC: Look, if you d=
on`t like it-<br>PROF. ESOTERIC: This a private argument? Or can anyone but=
t in?<br>LJC: No! Fine! Go ahead! Trust you to turn up at an opportune mome=
nt...<br>PROF. ESOTERIC: Always. So what`s up?<br>JC: Trouble. As usual.<br=
>PROF. ESOTERIC: Sounds fun. Listen, there`s a guy at the bar I found falli=
ng<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 out of bathrooms. Reckons he wants to be =
a Trenchcoater. Bit wet round<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 the ears, but =
I think he`s not as stupid as he looks.<br>LJC: Okay. Go and get him. [Prof=
. Esoteric goes, and returns with the <br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 Jello=
mancer]<br>JELLOMANCER: Uh... hi...<br>LJC: The Professor tells us you want=
to join the NTB.<br>JELLOMANCER: Well, yes.<br>LJC: Okay, raise your right=
hand and say `I am a suicidal maniac` three times.<br>JELLOMANCER: I am a =
suicidal maniac... I am... look, is this strictly<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =
=C2=A0 necessary?<br>LJC: Well done. You`ve passed your first test.<br>JELL=
OMANCER: Uh, right...<br>JC: Okay, who are you, what can you do, and what`v=
e you got?<br>JELLOMANCER: Uh, well, I call myself... the Jellomancer!<br>L=
JC: Please. It`s too early in the day for melodrama.<br>JELLOMANCER: Sorry.=
Anyway, I use Jello to divine secrets and stuff. That`s <br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =
=C2=A0 =C2=A0 how I found out what`s going on.<br>PROF. ESOTERIC: That`s ri=
diculous.<br>JC: I`ve heard worse.<br>LJC: Yeah. Deft, for starters. Go on.=
What do you know?<br>JELLOMANCER: Well, there`s this guy...<br><br>*******=
************************************************************************<br=
><br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 Elric sighed. That flight from Oakland to =
Chicago had really put a<br>dent into his savings. Ah, well. Who needs mone=
y when you've got a<br>trenchcoat. Whistling softly to himself, Elric w=
ent off to find his luggage.<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 Big mistake. Lo=
cal airports are bad enough, but unfamiliar<br>airports make L-space and De=
stiny's garden look like... look like... well,<br>someplace where getti=
ng lost is impossible.<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 After several hours o=
f fruitless searching, Elric began to<br>seriously consider introducing a s=
ubmachinegun to all the nice people at<br>the nearby mini-mall. Just as he =
was about to run amok, however, he<br>spotted a familiar trenchcoat.<br>=C2=
=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 "Yo! Grimslut!"<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =
=C2=A0 "Sloth. 'Lo, Elric. Thought you quit the NTB."<br>=C2=
=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 "I did. But every time I try to get out, they=
keep pulling me back IN!"<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 "Easy. =
I'm in no mood for melodrama. I've had a bad day."<br>=C2=A0 =
=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 "Oh come on. It couldn't have been that bad. =
I mean, it's not like you<br>came by bus or anything, is it? . . . Why =
are you looking at me like that?"<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 "=
;Just get your luggage so we can get out of here."<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =
=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "I'd like to, but I don't know where it is. Wher=
e's yours?"<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 "Gone."<br>=
=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 "Oh. What happened to you, anyway? You loo=
k terrible." And he did. He<br>was cut, and bruised, and -- was that i=
nk? Even his coat was ripped and torn.<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 "=
;Had some troubles waiting for my bus in Harrisburg. Loan officers."<b=
r>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 "Oh. What were loan officers doing in a =
bus terminal?"<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 "I'd rather not=
talk about it."<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 "Okay, Grim. Hey,=
if you took a bus, what are you doing at the<br>airport?" <br>=C2=A0 =
=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0"I'd rather not talk about it."<br>=C2=A0=
=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 "How's about your luggage? No, wait. Let me =
guess. You'd rather not<br>talk about it, right?"<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0=
=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "Glad to see you haven't gotten any stupider."=
<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 "What was that?"<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0=
=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "Never mind. Let's beat it."<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =
=C2=A0 =C2=A0 Before they could continue their witty repartee, the two frie=
n-<br>uh, colleagues were interrupted by a scream.<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =
=C2=A0 "What was that?"<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 "A sc=
ream of terror. Huh, maybe you _did_ get stupider."<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =
=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "What?"<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 "I said=
, it came from over there. Let's go."<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=
=A0 "Why do we always run TOWARDS screams of terror? Shouldn't we =
be<br>running AWAY?"<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 "See this? It=
's a trenchcoat," said GrimSloth as he dragged<br>Elric towards th=
e source of the disturbance. "It comes with the territory."<br>=
=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 "Oh, look," said Elric. "A body.=
"<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 "Well, don't just stand ther=
e. Check it out."<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 Elric bent down, then=
stood with a grim expression on his face.<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 &=
quot;He's dead, Grim."<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 "Oooooh=
," said the body.<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 "Nice call, Elri=
c."<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 "Damnit, Grim, I'm a '=
coater, not a doctor!"<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 The two mysterio=
us individuals helped the body, to its feet.<br>"Are you Mister Elric =
and Mister GrimSlut?"<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 "Sloth. Yeah=
, that's us."<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 "Well, then this=
is for you." The messenger handed Elric a<br>letter, then dissappeare=
d.<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 "Wow. I've never seen anyone spo=
ntaneously combust before. It<br>must be from Constantine." Elric open=
ed the letter.<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 "What's it say?"=
;<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 "There's the name of a bar. Then =
it says, `Show this to GrimSlut.'"<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =
"GrimSloth. Lemmee see that." Grimsloth peeked over Elric's<b=
r>shoulder, then wiped the water from his face. "Forgot to duck. Hey, =
you read it<br>first. Why didn't you get the snowball?"<br>=C2=A0 =
=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 "No idea. So, you know where this bar is located?=
"<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 "Nope. How much money you got?&q=
uot;<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 "How much have _you_ got?"<br=
>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 "I asked you first."<br>=C2=A0 =C2=
=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 "I'm a college student."<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =
=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "Oh yeah. So much for cab fair. Tell you what. Let's=
<br>split up, and when one of us finds the bar, he'll wait for the othe=
r one to<br>show up."<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 "But how wil=
l we find each other?" Elric asked the man-shaped<br>space of empty ai=
r. "Damn. Rejoined the NTB for one day, and a member has<br>already di=
tched me. This is just wonderful." Elric walked out of the<br>airport,=
determined to wander aimlessly until he found the bar. And if he<br>was fo=
rced to enter other bars just to make sure it wasn't the right bar<br>u=
nder an assumed name, then that was a sacrifice he was willing to make.<br>=
<br>***********************************************************************=
********<br><br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0The doors of the bar swung open. All oc=
cupants turned to see who was<br>entering in such a dramatic fashion. A man=
, beaten and bruised, staggered in.<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0"Mornin, lu=
v," he said, stumbling up to LJC. =C2=A0"Hope I haven't come =
at a<br>bad time." =C2=A0A wrenching cough wracked his body. Blood for=
med on his lips.<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0Dendrite stepped forward. "who=
's he?"<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0"Oh, Kit?" LJC looked uns=
haken by the man's condition.<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0"Just ...thou=
ght you...might want...to know...The Netromancer..." Slowly,<br>Kit=
9;s inert body fell to the ground.<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0The room fell sil=
ent. No one was sure what to say .=C2=A0 Finally, the <br>bartender cleared=
his throat. =C2=A0"Is that guy okay? Do you want me to call an <br>am=
bulance?"<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0"No, that's okay," said=
LJC." He's just dead. Happens all the time. =C2=A0<br>He'll g=
et over it soon."<br><br>*********************************************=
**********************************<br><br>Dr 13 was in the back of a small =
second hand bookshop in Nottingham<br>wandering round the aisles in search =
of a suitable nexus point for entry to<br>L-space. All of a sudden the book=
s seemed to change; the titles were no<br>longer written in English.<br>&qu=
ot;I've done it" thought 13. "All I now need to do is find th=
e cross over to<br>O-space, the space created by storage of information on =
hard drives and in<br>filing cabinets rather than on bookshelves. Anywhere =
that stores infomation<br>is privy to distortions in reality.<br>"I ju=
st hope the others in Chicago get my message and decide to join me.<br>Of c=
ourse, if it's impossible to find the felching office, I will try to fi=
nd<br>the Chicago library and join them."<br>13 was now in a large maz=
e, small niches led into other libraries in other <br>worlds. He just hoped=
he could find where he was going, for he sure as hell<br>would have troubl=
e getting back.<br><br>****************************************************=
***************************<br><br>DEFT: I`ll have a beer. <br>BARMAN: Sure=
.<br>DEFT: And... can you turn the TV on?<br>BARMAN: Okay. You want the new=
s channel?<br>DEFT: No. Wrestling.<br>BARMAN: Wrestling? I would`ve thought=
all you trenchcoat types`d be above all<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 tha=
t dreck.<br>DEFT: It`s not dreck! It`s the only truth!<br>BARMAN: Uh... fin=
e...<br><br>***************************************************************=
****************<br><br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 Ah, Chicago, that toddl=
in' town, hog-butcher to the world.=C2=A0 Chicago<br>is real--hard, ear=
thy, human.=C2=A0 The perfect site for a meeting between<br>people who live=
their lives on the edge of fantasy.=C2=A0 Lady J has clearly<br>gone mad.<=
br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 Mr. Elmo's musings were interrupted by t=
he harsh cawing of a raven<br>flying overhead.=C2=A0 Or was it a magpie?=C2=
=A0 He never could keep the Corvidae<br>straight.=C2=A0 Half the family are=
just transmogrified humans, anyway.<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 This pa=
rticular one was undeniably purely avian, though; it had<br>chosen to attra=
ct his attention, from its perch on the lamppost, by<br>cawing, rather than=
by aerial bombardment.=C2=A0 It stared at him along its long<br>yellow bea=
k, then turned sideways to gaze at the nearby alley.=C2=A0 Mr. Elmo<br>foll=
owed its line of sight.=C2=A0 There, lying at the edge of the shadows, was<=
br>a comic book.<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 He approached and picked up=
the comic: =C2=A0All-Flash #13, 1946.<br>This should never have been let o=
ut of the Mylar, he thought.=C2=A0 Further<br>down the alley, his eyes caug=
ht a glimpse of another comic, peaking out<br>from beneath a bent cardboard=
box.=C2=A0 Only a corner of the title was visible: <br>"All-S." =
=C2=A0<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 He walked deeper into the alley.=C2=
=A0 Behind him, the mists rose and<br>blocked the light from the lamppost, =
where the crow stood, twisting its<br>head in an inquisitive manner.=C2=A0 =
It cawed once, only to break the silence,<br>and flew into the mist.<br>=C2=
=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 Chicago would have to wait.<br><br>***************=
****************************************************************<br><br>=C2=
=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0I hadn't wanted to ditch Elric like that, but I had<br=
>something to do before the meeting, something pretty important. <br>No nee=
d for both of us to be late.=C2=A0 And besides, I didn't want<br>that r=
unecoat of his mucking with my head. <br><br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0I walked r=
ound the corner into an alleyway, a shortcut to<br>the bus station.=C2=A0 H=
opefully, I'd find Janice, my IDC-326 pocket<br>secretary there.=C2=A0 =
I'd lost her in Harrisburg.<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0What happened there?=
=C2=A0 I knew.=C2=A0 I knew exactly what happened<br>there.=C2=A0 But I did=
n't want to think about it.=C2=A0 It brought back too<br>many bad memor=
ies of . . . similar situations.=C2=A0 That was the real<br>reason I didn&#=
39;t want Elric tagging along, I suppose; I didn't want<br>him asking a=
bout Harrisburg.<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0Janice, though.=C2=A0 I had to find=
Janice.=C2=A0 Yeah, I know she's<br>just an it, just a machine, but sh=
e'd been one of the few constants<br>in my life the past few years.=C2=
=A0 I guess I'd grown a bit fond of her;<br>she had a good head on her =
shoulders.=C2=A0 Even if she didn't have any <br>shoulders.=C2=A0 And s=
he'd been right: =C2=A0that briefcase was important<br>somehow.<br>=C2=
=A0<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0A quiet rustling interrupted my thoughts.=C2=A0 =
I spun around to<br>face two men in lint-covered suits.=C2=A0 Loan officers=
.=C2=A0 Blocking the<br>entrance to the alleyway.=C2=A0 One of them held th=
e briefcase.<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0"Mr. Slut," asked a voice fro=
m behind me.<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0"Slo--."<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=
=A0"Yes, yes.=C2=A0 We know.=C2=A0 Your name is printed out quite legi=
bly<br>on these loan papers.=C2=A0 Quite legibly."<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =
=C2=A0Two more loan officers had appeared at the other end of the<br>alleyw=
ay.=C2=A0 I was trapped.<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0"Everything's all =
filled out," he said. =C2=A0"We just need you<br>to sign at the b=
ottom." =C2=A0A drop of ink fell from his pen and splatterd<br>on the =
ground.<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0"Tell us, Mr. Sloth.=C2=A0 We're cu=
rious.=C2=A0 What happened in Harrisburg?"<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0&quo=
t;Patience," said the man beside him. =C2=A0"First, we will offer=
<br>him a very reasonable loan."<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0"And then=
maybe he'll tell us what happened,"<br>said the third loan office=
r.<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0"And then," said the fourth, "and =
then, everything will be . . .<br>good and fine."<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=
=A0They walked towards me slowly, deliberately.=C2=A0 No hurry. =C2=A0I<br>=
had nowhere to run to.=C2=A0 One of the loan officers held out some<br>susp=
icious-looking forms, and a black pen.<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0Oh Christ, I =
thought, not again.<br><br>************************************************=
*******************************<br><br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 The usua=
l travel arrangements were out, partly because I was far too <br>knackered =
for any of that rubbish, and partly because I had to bring along<br>Bacchus=
, who was still half-dead from the night before. If there`s one thing<br>I =
find funny, it`s that the god of wine still has hangovers. So anyway, to<br=
>cut a horribly long story involving a beastly bus service short, I made my=
<br>way to the Cafe Perilous to hitch a ride. The Cafe Perilous isn`t one o=
f those<br>prententious coffee-swilling sort of French artist-magnets, it`s=
a solid,<br>down-to-earth, English food-selling shop, the kind you`ll find=
in any town<br>near all the lower-class terraced housing. The sort of plac=
e where the working<br>classes go to eat as many carcinogens as they can af=
ford. The sort of place<br>where they pronounce "cafe" as "c=
aff". I had a copy of the menu that I <br>carried around in case I eve=
r had to visit the place, and when I`d got as far<br>as Earlsdon on the bus=
, I got out and searched for a likely spot. It wasn`t<br>long before I was =
in the sort of pit the Cafe Perilous could be called to <br>manifest in; I =
nailed the menu to the door of an abandoned house with a <br>ten year old &=
quot;for sale" sign, and sat down to wait. It didn`t take long.<br>Bef=
ore ten minutes were over, the door had changed into a glass fronted sort<b=
r>of thing with a tacky "OPEN" sign hanging in it. I went in, dra=
gging the<br>ancient deity of pissheads with me.<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =
=C2=A0 Inside, I put Bacchus at one of the tables, and let him collapse ont=
o<br>the fossilised baked beans. I went up to the counter, being careful no=
t to<br>annoy the fruit machine, and asked for a couple of teas and a packe=
t of<br>paracetomol. After the woman behind the counter had finished arguin=
g with the<br>boiler, it coughed up the hot water for the tea. The milkpak =
men were on <br>strike, so we had to have powdered milk. The smell of fryin=
g chips hung,<br>greasily, in the air, and as I glanced to the plate glass =
windows at the front<br>of the shop, I noticed the Coventry street change i=
nto a dozen different cities<br>one by one. This sort of thing does your he=
ad in after a while. I went back to<br>the table.<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =
=C2=A0 "Drink this, eat this, and the world`ll look a lot better."=
;<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 "Ohhhhhhh...." he groaned. "=
;You. I suppose..." He paused to down the<br>tea and paracetomol in on=
e. "I suppose this means some sort of strangeness?"<br>=C2=A0 =C2=
=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 "That`s right, grandad. Some arsewipe`s knocking ove=
r trenchcoats.<br>LJC`s calling a meeting in Chicago, and that`s where we`r=
e going, for<br>want of a better holiday this year."<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =
=C2=A0 =C2=A0 "Ah, Lady Johanna... at least she has some sort of charm=
. Unlike you.<br>And unlike this place. What is it about the English that m=
akes them want to<br>torture themselves so much? Been the same for centurie=
s, every time I come<br>here, the silly bastards are inventing new ways to =
guilt themselves to death.<br>I suppose it`s something to do with psycholog=
y, but it seems more like total<br>bloody-minded self-pity to me..." <=
br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 "Right. Anyway, we`re here."<br>=
=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 "Chicago?"<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =
=C2=A0 "Just round the corner from the bar, if the Cafe is doing it`s =
usual<br>tricks."<br><br>*********************************************=
**********************************<br><br>John stared back at Ramaj Singh &=
quot;Deft?=C2=A0 Isn't he the WWF fan?=C2=A0 I HATE WWF ..."<br>Jo=
hn glared silently, reached into his trenchcoat and proferred a newspaper<b=
r>and "The Anarchists Cookbook".=C2=A0 Do you want them?"<br=
><br>**********************************************************************=
*********<br><br>NET.THING: Well? What`s happening? It`s chaos in the net- =
everything`s going<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 down at once!<br>LJC: Loo=
k, have a drink, don`t worry about it...<br>NET.THING: I have to worry! It`=
s my job- no, my life- to protect the net!<br>LJC: Weevil!<br>JELLOMANCER: =
Yeah?<br>LJC: Explain the situation to this, er, thing, would you?<br>JELLO=
MANCER: Sure. There`s this guy...<br><br>**********************************=
*********************************************<br><br>13 moved slowly along =
the corridor. He thought he had heard someone moving<br>ahead. He hoped thi=
s was nothing to do with the Netromancer. It might be a<br>lost student, he=
had passed the bones of many of these poor wretches who had<br>got lost in=
L-Space and had died a horrible death or a bookworm, harmless<br>creatures=
who fed on the books.<br>It was a man, well, kind of a man anyway. He was =
wearing glasses and had<br>pointed ears.<br>"Hello" said 13.<br>&=
quot;Hello. You're one of those trenchcoaters, aren't you?" sa=
id the man.<br>"Yes. Who are you?"<br>"Lucien. I work for th=
e dreamlord in the library of dreams."<br>"Great" said 13, &=
quot;Could I borrow a copy of Big Numbers 3 from you sometime?"<br>&qu=
ot;Sure" said the man, "but it will have to be later. I have got =
to get going."<br>"See you" said 13 and carried on walking.<=
br>Several hours (or was it days?) later, 13 was glad he had packed a few k=
ebabs<br>with him. He was just finishing his meal with a banana when a larg=
e orange<br>sack like thing flew above him and snatched the banana from his=
hand.<br>He turned round to face a pair of intelligent looking eyes.<br>&q=
uot;Ook?" said the creature.<br>"Hello" said 13.<br>The crea=
ture then thrust a piece of paper into 13's face.<br>"Unseen Unive=
rsity Library Fine. You the Netromancer have not returned your<br>copy of &=
quot;Complete office time, space and parallel universe management", an=
d<br>must surrender this immediately."<br>"It appears we are goin=
g in the same direction." said 13. "Do you know the<br>way?"=
<br>"Ook"<br>"In that case, I will follow you if you don'=
;t mind." said 13.<br>The librarian led the way, closely followed by 1=
3.<br><br>*****************************************************************=
**************<br><br>John hailed the bartender.<br>"Don't you thi=
nk you've had enough sir?"<br>"I can still see you" stat=
ed John.<br>The bartender thought about it, sighed and poured another Gargl=
eblaster.<br>Two stools away, a thin, blond-haired man glared daggers at Jo=
hn.<br>The bartender leaned towards the blond, "Woody! What's up?&=
quot;<br>Woody continued to glare at John, sighed and said "The guy sh=
ows up, makes<br>some bets and wins $2000 ... scum"<br>The bartender a=
nd Woody looked, as one, at empty space. =C2=A0"At least he paid for<b=
r>the first 10 Gargleblasters in advance."<br><br>********************=
***********************************************************<br><br>SHADE: .=
..Y`know, I`m not really sure what I`m doing here...<br>E. K. MOUSE: Perhap=
s you are unaware of our mission. The very fabric of the<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =
=C2=A0 =C2=A0 universe is threatened!<br>RAMAJ: What, again?<br>SHADE: That=
`s what I mean... Why do you need me? I`ve got enough trouble trying<br>=C2=
=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 to keep hold of an account as it is...<br>E. K. MO=
USE: You coward. You would run whilst others save the universe for you!<br>=
SHADE: Oh, come on... an administrator? This whole thing is ridiculous!<br>=
JC: You obviously haven`t seen my latest Poll Tax bill.<br>RAMAJ: Why, are =
you planning on paying it?<br>JC: `Course not. But you know what I mean.<br=
>RAMAJ: It`s true. These people have immense power.<br>E.K. MOUSE: But they=
shall not stand against our combined might!<br>SHADE: Yeah, right...<br>RA=
MAJ: These are mean bastards. We have to stop them. Or I`ll never eat well<=
br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 again...<br>SHADE: Pardon?<br>RAMAJ: Uh, not=
hing.<br>JC: `scuse me. [rushes out of the bar]<br>SHADE: What`s up with hi=
m?<br><br>*****************************************************************=
**************<br><br>Just before the bar door closed, a large owl swooped =
in. He glided over the<br>heads of the gathered Trenchcoaters and settled d=
own on the bar next to LJC.<br>Then, to the surprise of most, he hooted in =
the direction of the bartender and<br>said, "Give me one of what she&#=
39;s having." The bartender glared at the owl and<br>said, "We do=
n't serve birds in here," and began to try to grab the owl, but<br=
>Constantine interrupted him and said, "Yo-Yo's with me." The=
bartender still<br>looked suspicious, but drew another Woodpecker cider an=
d put it down in front<br>of the bird.<br><br>"Thank yooou, my Lady,&q=
uot; hooted Yo-Yo, clutching the handle of the mug in<br>one claw and sippi=
ng the cider in a rather impressive demonstration of<br>strigiform dexterit=
y.<br><br>Constantine took a long draw on her cigarette and puffed smoke in=
the owl's<br>face. He let out a long whooping cough. "I don't=
know why I bother, after<br>that comment you passed on from the Star Trek =
group," Constantine said,<br>with a slight smile. "You're luc=
ky I've got a soft spot for birds of prey."<br>The owl merely ruff=
led his feathers and took another sip of his cider,<br><br>Still facing for=
ward at the bar, Yo-Yo rotated his head back towards the<br>rest of the ass=
embled shadowy figures. "I'm sorry tooo arrive so late," he<b=
r>said in his hooting voice, "but the Netromancer's spells first t=
ook effect<br>in daytime, in the peak hours, when any sensible being should=
be asleep<br>anyway. I only recently realized what was happening. I wouldn=
't have known<br>what was going on at all if her Ladyship here had not =
kept me informed."<br>Constantine gave the owl a look that was somethi=
ng between a grimace and a<br>sneer. The bird ignored it, and continued, &q=
uot;So what are we going tooo<br>dooo?"<br><br>***********************=
********************************************************<br><br>The smelly =
man moaned "Hold Me!" and stretched out his arms.=C2=A0 John gave=
him<br>a hug and asked "Say! You wanna come to a party?=C2=A0 You are=
wearing a trenchcoat<br>aren't you?" =C2=A0The smelly man jerked =
back, eyes John thoughtfully and proclaimed<br>"You're on Mac and =
yeah ... this IS a trenchcoat."<br><br>*******************************=
************************************************<br><br>BARMAN: What`ll it =
be?<br>DOUBT: I am not sure...<br>BARMAN: Well, uh, what *sort* of drink do=
you want? [Doubt looks at him <br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 blankly] Uh,=
you know, beer, whisky...<br>DOUBT: I think perhaps beer...<br>BARMAN: Oka=
y, one beer coming up...<br>DOUBT: ...or maybe whisky.<br>BARMAN: Look, mak=
e up your mind, willya?<br>DOUBT: I... I cannot...<br>BARMAN: Jeez, what so=
rta loon are ya, anyhow?<br>DOUBT: I am Doubt of the Endless... I think...<=
br>BARMAN: Figures. You with those Trenchcoat weirdoes?<br>DOUBT: Perhaps. =
Yes, perhaps I am... I`m sorry, I`m having a bad day... I...<br>=C2=A0 =C2=
=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 fade... occasionally...<br>BACCHUS: Barman! I`ll have ano=
ther glass of Chateau D`Escritte. [notices Doubt]<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =
=C2=A0 Hey! Haven`t seen you for a while! How`s the family?<br>DOUBT: I thi=
nk they are well. I remember you... was it... Greece?<br>BACCHUS: Close. Ro=
me, just after they closed my lodges. Remember those times?<br>=C2=A0 =C2=
=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 They really knew how to worship you then. Not like these =
half-hearted<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 idiots today...<br>BARMAN: One =
glass of wine... okay, that`s $1.47.<br>BACCHUS: Put it on my account.<br>B=
ARMAN: I don`t think we...<br>BACCHUS. The name`s Bacchus.<br>BARMAN: Bacch=
us? Are you serious? Is he serious?<br>DOUBT: I think so.<br>BARMAN: Wow...=
[Hob Gadling comes over, with the bulk of the NTB`s round to <br>=C2=A0 =
=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 order]<br>HOB GADLING: Okay, we`ll have fifteen pints =
of beer, four whiskeys, eleven<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 Bloody Mary`s=
, half a dozen... uh, excuse me, but... I think I know<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=
=A0 =C2=A0 you...<br>DOUBT: I doubt it. [He looks fixedly at Hob, whose eye=
s widen as certain<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 information in his mind b=
ecomes vague... uncertain...] Perhaps you<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 re=
fer to my brother...<br>HOB GADLING: Oh...<br>DOUBT: Or perhaps my sister..=
.<br>HOB GADLING: Er. Well. If you see him or her, give him my regards. Whe=
re was<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 I... Half a dozen brandies, seven teq=
uilas, ten gin and tonics...<br>[Some Irish Guy comes to the bar]<br>SOME I=
RISH GUY: Has the Guinness turned up yet?<br>BARMAN: Nah. Bit late, if you =
ask me.<br>SOME IRISH GUY: Hmm.<br><br>************************************=
*******************************************<br><br>Suddenly the doors opene=
d, and John Constantine appeared, coughing more<br>horribly than usual. <br=
><br>"What's wrong?" asked one of the 'coaters, who obvio=
usly hadn't yet learned <br>not to get involved.<br>"Lung Cancer.&=
quot;<br><br>Within fifteen seconds, he was surrounded by Trenchcoats of al=
l hues.<br><br>"Can I borrow $10.00 ?"<br>"I have first dibs=
on his Wierdness Magnet!"<br>"So, uh, your girlfriend's goin=
g to be lonely soon?"<br><br>*****************************************=
**************************************<br><br>REDLAW: Well, this is a fine =
pickle, and no mistake.<br>YO-YO: Whoo.<br>REDLAW: That`s true, very true. =
All this fuss and bother over some human in an<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=
=A0 office. I ask you...<br>YO-YO: Whoo!<br>REDLAW: Really! Well, *that`s* =
not very nice. That`s downright unfriendly, no<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=
=A0 doubt about it.<br>YO-YO: Whoo.<br>REDLAW: Still, it`s not all too bad,=
eh? Still got to soldier on, despite all<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 th=
e troubles of this little old world. Where did the milk go, I wonder?<br><b=
r>*************************************************************************=
******<br><br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=
=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0Something Happens! #2<br><br>"Been There, Seen=
That, Drunk That."<br><br>It was fairly cold outside, but I didn'=
t really feel it. The Bucket faded<br>behind me, and I started to wonder wh=
at I was doing. The missing Guinness was<br>a problem, of course, and I *wa=
s* glad to leave the pub (Two hundred people<br>all wearing trenchcoats in =
one place generally start smelling bad after 10<br>minutes). All the same, =
I realized I had no real reason to be there in the <br>first place, and som=
ething bad usually happens around that lot. Still, best to<br>soldier on. T=
here's always getting drunk.<br><br>After about a mile, I saw the deliv=
ery truck, pulled over to the side. As I<br>approached, I could feel the Ir=
ishness decreasing gradually. Seeing that<br>there was no-one in the cab, I=
left the road and circled around to behind<br>the truck. There, rolling ba=
rrels off the back, was one of the ugliest demons<br>I'd ever seen. As =
I approached, I noticed that each of the barrels was <br>completely non-Iri=
sh. Hiding behind one, I picked up a rock, smashed a hole <br>in the side, =
near the top and dipped my head to the stream that flowed. I <br>was instan=
tly nauseated. It had all been converted to Creme De Menthe! Right. <br>Thi=
s demon's picked the wrong liquid, the wrong 'coater and the wrong =
day for <br>a stunt like this. The noise of rolling had stopped, so I put o=
n my best <br>stagger, stood up (pulling the barrel over as I rose) and gre=
eted the <br>little fucker.<br><br>"Hi! Sorry about the barrel, I just=
tripped over it."<br>"Prepare to die, fool! No-one may look upon=
the Liquidator and live!"<br><br>Oh Christ, another of these power fr=
eaks.<br><br>"No trouble, mate, I was just wondering if you were in ch=
arge of all this<br>drink."<br>"What is it to you, puny mortal?&q=
uot;<br>"Well, I was wondering if you needed a hand, in return for a l=
ittle drop."<br>"Very well. Come up here and roll the barrels dow=
n to me."<br><br>That was too easy by half. I had a feeling that the L=
iquidator's plans had <br>just changed to incorporate a lunch break. Af=
ter half an hour, I suggested <br>a little "payment in advance". =
The Liquidator agreed, probably wondering if <br>stomach tasted better if i=
t was filled with alcohol. I suggested some<br>Guinness, since I knew he di=
dn't mind which way it disappeared, as long as it <br>didn't reach =
the Bucket. We both sat down, he produced some horrible looking<br>pint gla=
sses from "somewhere" and we got through a barrel together.=C2=A0=
I started <br>slurring my speech and not finishing sentences, to conceal t=
he fact that my <br>power was growing. As he finished off the last pint, I =
straightened up, and <br>walked over to the cab, and started to climb in. H=
e jumped up, ran a few steps<br>towards me, and collapsed holding his stoma=
ch.<br><br>"Where are you going with my truck?"<br>"Back to =
the Bucket, to dispense the Guinness."<br>"Curse you, Trenchcoate=
r! What have you done to me?"<br>"Well, that last pint wasn't=
Guinness."<br>"What...?"<br>"Bailey's and Raspberr=
y. Have a nice day."<br><br>Having no wish to see his last meal, I dro=
ve off quickly, wondering why all <br>this Guinness didn't make me much=
happier.<br><br>**********************************************************=
*********************<br><br>After a while 13 and the Librarian noticed a c=
hange in the scenery.<br>Instead of being surrounded by bookshelves, they b=
egan to be surrounded by<br>derelict looking filing cabinets, horrible silk=
flower arrangements and<br>large rubber plants.<br>"I've made it!=
" thought 13. "From here it should be quite simple to find the<br=
>wretched office. I just hope the others are waiting for me, for without th=
em<br>I won't have nearly enough occult power to destroy the Netromance=
r, never<br>mind the office."<br>Suddenly the librarian paused outside=
a door. On it was written<br>"Rupert Lionel Horatio Flomsonby-Bloom J=
unior - Netromancer."<br>"A Flomsonby-Bloom. I might have bloody =
known," said 13.<br>He opened the door.<br><br>***********************=
********************************************************<br><br>[Kid Anarky=
emerges, looking somewhat shaken, from the toilets]<br>RAMAJ: Oh my god...=
<br>PROF. ESOTERIC: PINK?!?!?!<br>[LJC starts laughing uncontrollably]<br>D=
ARKROSE: *Very* fetching.<br>KID ANARKY: I need a drink... please, someone =
get me a drink...<br>[Bacchus does so. Kid Anarky sits on a stool to try an=
d work out where he is]<br>KID ANARKY; Oh god. Not the NTB. Anything but th=
e NTB... <br>[most of the NTB has gone back to their discussions. Withnail,=
drunk beyond <br>belief, staggers over to Kid Anarky]<br>WITHNAIL: You`re =
one of those LNH ponces, aren`t you?<br>KID ANARKY: Uh, yeah. Look, I think=
you`re a bit drunk...<br>WITHNAIL: Too bloody right! The shit`s spraying o=
ut of the fan and getting<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 rat-arsed is the o=
nly sensible thing a man in my position can do!<br>KID ANARKY: Don`t you th=
ink that`s a bit... irresponsible?<br>WITHNAIL: Don`t you call me irrespons=
ible, you... you... *superhero*....<br>KID ANARKY: Christ, you stink of whi=
skey...<br>WITHNAIL: Nonsense! I`m totally and utterly sober! [drinks and c=
ollapses]<br>KID ANARKY [headbutts the bar three times in despair]: Why? Wh=
y? Why?<br>STUBBY JIM: It can`t be *that* bad?<br>KID ANARKY: I`m a superhe=
ro! I didn`t want to do this! <br>STUBBY JIM: You *are* wearing a trenchcoa=
t... a bit of a strange one, but...<br>KID ANARKY: So? Just because I wear =
a trenchcoat... and this isn`t *my*<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 trenchco=
at... doesn`t make me a member of the NTB!<br>DEFT: If it`s any help, Maule=
r and Crusher have defeated the Death Squad,<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0=
and now have a good chance of recovering at least one item of the<br>=C2=
=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 wrestling regalia that they lost to the Astral Twi=
ns last month.<br>[everyone looks at him blankly]<br>DEFT: Or, to put it an=
other way, Kid Anarky is actually a Trenchcoater, but<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=
=A0 =C2=A0 often tries to hide the fact because of his connections to the L=
egion<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 of Net.Heroes. <br>[Kid Anarky looks a=
t him in a rather annoyed manner]<br>DEFT: Just trying to help...<br><br>**=
***************************************************************************=
**<br><br>13 stepped into the Universal Office. A pathetic sallow balding m=
an was<br>hunched over a terminal.<br>"The office has nearly finished =
feeding on him. Soon he will be nothing but<br>a husk." thought 13.<br=
>"Good afternoon Rupert" said 13. "I believe we have some un=
finished business<br>to discuss, such as your pathetic plans for world domi=
nation."<br>"Ook" said the librarian.<br><br>***************=
****************************************************************<br><br>[Gr=
imSloth & Elric collide with each other in a Chicago street]<br>GRIMSLO=
TH: Did you find anything?<br>ELRIC: Nada.<br>GRIMSLOTH: I guess we`re lost=
then. Better start again...<br>DVANDOM: No! Your search is at an end!<br>E=
LRIC: Who`s he?<br>GRIMSLOTH: What, the one with the purple trenchcoat, hau=
nted expression, air<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 of mystery, and incredi=
bly worn-down heels?<br>ELRIC: Yeah, him.<br>GRIMSLOTH: No idea.<br>DVANDOM=
: I have no name that I will tell you, but I am known as a friend and <br>=
=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 ally to many of your associates... for the time=
being, however, I must<br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 remain... a stranger=
!<br>ELRIC: Oh, him.<br>GRIMSLOTH: Christ. It bloody well would have to be.=
<br>DVANDOM: The place you seek is not far. Follow me, mortals... [they go =
in]<br>ELRIC: So, have we missed anything?<br>DVANDOM: Only the excessive c=
onsumption of fermented vegetable matter.<br>GRIMSLOTH: Oh, god, NO!<br>LJC=
: Hi, GrimSlut.<br>GRIMSLOTH: That`s GrimSLOTH. Get it right for once.<br>L=
JC: Oh, sorry. What are you doing here?<br>GRIMSLOTH: You should know. You =
sent the snowballs.<br>LJC: Snowballs? Damn! So that`s what it was all abou=
t!<br>ELRIC: Hey, I got one, too...<br>DARKROSE: Hang on... if you didn`t s=
end these snowballs...<br>LJC: I didn`t! I`m trying to forget all that snow=
ball business!<br>DARKROSE: ...then who did?<br>[a deathly silence falls ov=
er the bar]<br>SOME IRISH GUY: There`s been trouble.<br>VARIOUS: What?<br>S=
OME IRISH GUY: The Guinness.<br>KIT: What about the Guinness?<br>SOME IRISH=
GUY: The Netromancer tried to get at it. I saved it, though. It`s<br>=C2=
=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 outside.<br>ELRIC: Er... I didn`t see it...<br>[So=
me Irish Guy rushes out, and then back in]<br>SOME IRISH GUY: AAAAAAARRRRRR=
GGGGHHHHH!!!! It`s gone! <br>SHADE: Oh. Wow. Disaster.<br>RAMAJ: No- if he =
can stop the Guinness delivery- what else can he do?<br>[another deathly si=
lence] <br><br>************************************************************=
*******************<br><br>"What?!?" exclaimed the Netromancer. &=
quot;I thought you were in Chicago with the<br>rest of your miserable cohor=
ts. How did you get here?"<br>"I came through L space." said=
13. "I believe my friend here has a message<br>for you."<br>&quo=
t;Ook" said the librarian handing over the piece of paper.<br>"Wh=
at? A library fine? I am the master of bureaucracy! How dare you try to<br>=
catch me in my own webs!"<br>"Don't be a cretin." said 1=
3. "You are a tool of the office. It has been<br>feeding on you for ye=
ars! Have you looked at yourself lately? You are not<br>looking well."=
<br>13 produced a mirror from his pocket and reflected the Netromancers fac=
e in <br>its depths.<br>"That can't be me, honest." said the =
Netromancer.<br>"Anyway, I suppose you are wondering why everyone is i=
n Chicago."<br>"No I'm not, I recieved a note and virtual sno=
wball from LJC inviting me to<br>meet up there."<br>"Ha, that was=
my masterstroke, the message was really from me pretending<br>to be her. I=
closed off her account for this purpose."<br>"But why get everyo=
ne to a bar in Chicago?" said 13.<br>"Well, I gave Burak Racey a =
briefcase which was a pocket bureauracy, I meant<br>to trap the odd trenchc=
oater in its depths. The fool lost it, but it was taken<br>by one of your n=
umber, GrimSloth. Sometimes things work out for the best after<br>all. I no=
w intend to detonate it, trapping the NTB in its depths."<br>"No =
you bloody well don't" said 13, grabbing the Netromancer round the=
neck.<br>Unfortunately he was unable to stop him pressing a large red butt=
on on the <br>desk.<br>"Oh bugger!" said 13.<br>In the meantime t=
he librarian had got the copy of his book and a large reel<br>of red tape f=
rom a shelf. He then proceded to wrap this round the Netromancer.<br>"=
Ha, caught up in your own red tape." said 13. "Now please reverse=
the pocket<br>bureauracy."<br>Something flashed up a computer screen.=
<br>"Greetings 13, this is the office speaking. The bureauracy cannot =
be reversed.<br>I have won. The NTB is no more."<br>"We will see =
about that." said 13. "I am removing your host, that will limit<b=
r>your powers matey. I am going to find Xeroxes to destroy you."<br>&q=
uot;Never" said the office. "He has gone into retirement. You wil=
l never find <br>him."<br>"I will. Xeroxes created you and he wil=
l destroy you. Just be thankful the <br>rest of the NTB never made it, with=
our combined occult power we would have<br>creamed you. This is just a no =
score draw."<br>13 then led the now powerless Netromancer out of the d=
oor which promptly<br>disappeared. The office had gone to hide.<br>The libr=
arian led the way back to earth.<br><br>***********************************=
********************************************<br><br>JELLOMANCER: Why is no =
one saying anything?<br>LJC: SH! *This* is the time for melodrama!<br>[Sudd=
enly, the case leaps out of GrimSloth`s hands]<br>GRIMSLOTH: AG! What the h=
ell is this?<br>[It opens with speed]<br>PROF. ESOTERIC: This could be a go=
od time to run away.<br>[A light begins to glow from within it]<br>WITHNAIL=
: Oh god... I`m too young to die...<br>ELRIC: Bloody felching he-<br>[After=
a burst of intense light, there is no more]<br><br>-----------------------=
--------------------------------------------------------<br><br>=C2=A0 =C2=
=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 by <a href=3D"mailto:tong@soda.berkeley.edu">tong@soda.be=
rkeley.edu</a><br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0<a href=3D"mailt=
o:castle@ug.cs.dal.ca">castle@ug.cs.dal.ca</a><br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=
=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0<a href=3D"mailto:morrow@physics.rice.edu">morrow@physics.=
rice.edu</a><br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0<a href=3D"mailto:=
fyfesh@lafcol.lafayette.edu">fyfesh@lafcol.lafayette.edu</a> AKA <a href=3D=
"mailto:FYFES@lafvax.lafayette.edu">FYFES@lafvax.lafayette.edu</a><br>=C2=
=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0<a href=3D"mailto:ctatro@magnus.acs.o=
hio-state.edu">ctatro@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu</a><br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0=
=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0<a href=3D"mailto:sirowe@pop.cis.yale.edu">sirowe@pop.=
cis.yale.edu</a><br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0<a href=3D"mai=
lto:afarrell@maths.tcd.ie">afarrell@maths.tcd.ie</a><br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=
=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0<a href=3D"mailto:pcxsws@unicorn.nott.ac.uk">pcxsws=
@unicorn.nott.ac.uk</a><br>=C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0<a href=
=3D"mailto:enubf@csv.warwick.ac.uk">enubf@csv.warwick.ac.uk</a><br>-- <br> =
=C2=A0And these are the words of a supposedly literate student of<br> =C2=
=A0 =C2=A0 =C2=A0 English Literature at the University of Warwick...<br>---=
---------------------------------------------------------------------------=
-<br>Paul Hardy/<a href=3D"http://enubf@csv.warwick.ac.uk/Willoughby">enubf=
@csv.warwick.ac.uk/Willoughby</a> Withnail or Bacchus of the N.T.B.<br><br>=
<br><br><br><br><br>=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D<br><br>Next Week: =C2=A0=
More NTB Fun with Wrath of The Administrator Part Fifteen!!<br><br>=3D=3D=
=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D<br><br>Arthur "Same Classic Channel.=C2=A0 Bu=
t Same Time?=C2=A0 Probably not." Spitzer <br><br><br></div>
--000000000000f5b2ea0634e27aca--
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