🚀 go-pugleaf

In article <9DFsb.16713$nl6.4885@news02.roc.ny>, Horatio
<URL:mailto:qwerty_h@hotmail.com> wrote:
>
> "Bill Trenholm" <billtrenholm@sourceuk.net> wrote in message
> news:ant1123050b0$San@altj24.dial.pipex.com...
> >
> >
> >       Marton
> >
> >  Metal carriages
> >  ride the heritage
>
> I like the almost rhyme, but I agree with J., riding a "heritage" is way too
> abstract for this reader.
>
> >  of my father's rooms,
> >  and the road to the bay.
> >  Chartered and striped,
>
> ooo . . . may  chauffeured?
>
> >  sail unfurled
> >  beyond the Abbey steps,
> >  this son of Marton led.
> >  Endeavour, yet some cry fool,
> >  to leave those other riggers
> >  in the calm,
>
> oh, I guess not, because you switched from carriage to ship when I wasn't
> looking (dammit!)
>
> >  dare to ride the snakeback
> >  down to Holme
> >  snub the high crowned,
>
> "high" has to be the weakest word possible to put here
>
> >  scaleless walls
>
> maybe "unscaled" or "unscaleable"
>
> >  that welt the Yorkshire oak
> >  past Horn.
>
> hrrrm . . .
>
> >  Hawsers creak their morse screams
> >  to the air, lending lift to wings
>
> this is one of those couplets that sound great but . . .uh . . .I can't
> quite make it speak to me (make sense)
>
> >  that wait on carrion.
>
> "carrion" is too pseudo-poetic for your dialogue
>
> >  Pounders nip and tweak the caulk,
> >  weep round rum barrels,
> >  jute weave sacks and rocksalt beef,
> >  skirts, skins,
> >  'kerries and assegai -
>
> too many lists!  I am getting lost in your lists of interesting nouns.  Make
> them  do something.
>
> >  promise bounty
>
> uckkk!!
>
> >  to make the journey profit.
>
> sounds awkward and telly
>
> >  Young men hope of return
>
> uckk!!  again
>
> >  and old men beget orphans,
> >  far from where the carriages
> >  cross the gatehouse,
> >  and my father's room.
>
> hmmm . . . there are so many nice sounds and words here.  I am tempted to
> say this is a first draft 'roughing out' of the poem, but I can't really
> know, can I?
>
> Now might be a nice time to reel back on some of your poetic zooperpowers
> and focus on your logic train and economy.
>
> Thanks for the posting.
>
> Good Luck!
>
> -H

 Hello, Horatio. Just got back to this. Thanks for the comments.
 Same themes come through with the stuff I'm writing at the moment,
 in respect of comments.
 This is one for much revision.
 Take care.

 Bill Trenholm
            'Vogon neonate'